This week Jen over at Sprite’s Keeper has asked us to write about “fear”. And since I am afraid of just about everything I knew I needed to participate. Yet, I’ve started this post about 8 different times. I just can’t seem to communicate what my issues are in a way that makes sense. I’ve thought about listing everything that I’m afraid of but figured that would take forever and would be really boring.
I never used to be afraid of anything. Like most younger folks I thought I was invincible. I never feared death, took risks and basically tested the powers that be to the fullest. Looking back on those years I’ve often wondered if in doing those things I wanted to die. I had little to no self-esteem and I was angry at the world. In reality, I don’t really believe I wanted to die, I think I was just naive. I thought the world revolved around me and I certainly didn’t believe in Karma.
That all changed. This may sound completely cliché but after 9-11 I had this really weird realization that I was no longer in control. I started to look at my life in a new way. I became much more aware of the roles other people played in my destiny and it totally freaked me out. I became afraid of everything. Ironically enough this is the same time I started to suffer from anxiety.
Since then, I have a really hard time participating in activities that I have no control over such as riding in a car or flying. I’m pleased to report I’m getting much better at both of them but for a while there I couldn’t fly without being medicated. And riding with other people was a disaster. The hubby wanted to punch my lights out every time I rode with him. I think I’ve left permanent grip marks on the “oh shit” handle of his car.
My fear and anxiety only got worse after The King was born. Not only did I know fear catastrophe would consume me but now I worried about him too. I also feared I wouldn’t be a good mother. I was reading an article in an old readers digest last night about how in this day and age we’ve come to overprotect our kids with a number of ridiculous products designed to keep them safe. I laughed out loud while reading it but inside was cringing at the thought that I was one of those parents.
You see my problem is….I create my own fear/anxiety. I’ve become so used to it being apart of my life that I simply create it when it’s not happening. I can be going about my day just fine then realize I haven’t been anxious or afraid and immediately will think of a worse case scenario and throw myself onto the roller coaster ride of emotions. It’s ridiculous I know.
I’ve only recently become aware of the role my hormones play into how I’m feeling. I’ve been keeping a mental note of what times of the month are better than others. And just the other night, although I wasn’t anxious, only really tired, I realized that the absence of the moon was effecting my “energy”.
I really believe I’m on the right track and am ready to tackle my fears head on. I figure they didn’t just show up over night and most certainly won’t go away over night. Baby steps I say. Baby Steps…and a good bottle of wine!
For more great fear spins, click here. To check out some of my other posts on my fears click here (snakes, riding in cars, flying)
Definitely baby steps! It’s the only way for me to confront and conquer my fears as well!
I’ve been fearing my own mortality more since learning I was pregnant with Sprite and little anxiety attacks sometimes leap into my mind about how she’s doing at daycare when I’m not around to make sure she’s safe.
I know she’s fine since I’ve been able to pick her up every day and see for myself that she’s fine. Those fears still come though..
You’re linked!
I can relate to the anxiety somewhat. Sometimes I just feel worried about everything, usually because I have too much on my plate. There are times I wake up at night thinking about all I have to do, and I have to turn on the light and make a list, just to calm myself down a bit.
I do think I worry less as I get older, but age isnt’ a great cure, huh?
Baby steps…
Anxiety sucks. And all the things that play into our fears as people and parents are horrible! We all just have to do the best we can. It sounds like you’re taking those baby steps just fine to me!
As a kid I was afraid of everything. Ghost stories, even really stupid ones, would mean nightmares for several nights. I was afraid of many things because of my mother’s fear of these things. She had reason to fear them (she was physically handicapped and couldn’t take care of herself) but I didn’t. Of course I worried about her in the event of a fire or something. Which explains a lot of my fears. When I was in my 20′s I traveled through Europe on a whim and $200. No place to stay and didn’t know the language. I rode through Italy on the back of a motorcycle without a helmet and lived to tell the story. After that I wasn’t afraid of anything until my son was born and then I panicked. I also had an undiscovered thyroid disorder which accounts for a lot of the anxiety I was experiencing. Once I got replacement hormones things got much better. My kids are older now and that helps a lot. I don’t lie in bed at night and worry about getting them out of the house if there is a fire (not as much at least).
Anxiety is the worst. But it’s possible to conquer it. I’m on that road, too.
I have a problem imagining worst-case scenarios in stressful situations, too, and sometimes it makes me afraid, but it mostly makes me mad. A mad Jan is a purposeful Jan who takes action, and the worst-case scenarios never happen, more often than not.
I DO suffer from anxiety attacks from time to time, but mostly over my health. My mother died at 51 from a massive heart attack and I don’t want that to happen to me.
Anxiety is the worse. The unbloggable over at my place is our teen boy who was recently diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder. It has forced my hubs to take a closer look at himself, as he is high functioning but suffers from anxiety attacks and mood swings. I get anxiety when I can feel the tension of their anxiety. It is a vicous cycle.
What a great post! I have that same fear of not being in control. I have always had it, to some extent. It is why I have never, ever, gone on a roller coaster and hate most carnival/park rides. I can’t stand the fact that the speed and length of time I’m on them is out of my control.
I manage to talk myself off the ledge with planes and cars simply because I love to travel.
Fear of lack of control has also kept me away from any hard drugs. This is the plus side!
My anxiety has definitely become worse since having children. Life just gets that much more precious and the world feels just that much more wild.
Anxiety is a powerful feeling. I get it mostly in anticipation of social functions, which I tend to avoid, but the feeling itself can be paralyzing.
Baby steps and wine sound like a good strategy.
I have so been there. The horror is when the anxiety turns into full blown panic attacks. The anxiety has gotten better now that my kids have gotten older and the worries have changed. I still have the car/plane/heights things. I often just have to close my eyes to block it out. The main thing that helped me was to actively be aware of what I have no control over and just let it go…I know it’s easier said than done, but life is so much easier and enjoyable since I did. I hope you can find that peace as well.
I’ve lived with fear all my life and I cannot stress enough how right you are when you say, “baby steps”, just take life, your fears, in “baby steps”.
My motto is: I know I’m afraid but I’m going to do it anyway.
It’s not cliche at all… your world was rocked in a huge way that day! I can also pinpoint the exact starting date of my own anxiety/life shaking moment: 01/20/08. It was quite the transition for my mind to go from trusting everything/everyone to scared of life all at once.